Behaviour Is Communication: A Practical Guide to Supporting Emotional Regulation in the Early Years

In early years settings, we often talk about children's behaviour as if it's the problem. A child bites, hits, refuses to join in, hides under the table, or has what looks like a huge reaction to a small trigger. It's easy to feel worried, frustrated or under pressure to make it stop. But behaviour is almost never the whole story. It's a signal.

Young children don't yet have the language, brain development or life experience to say what's going on inside them. So they show us instead. When we start treating behaviour as communication, our whole approach shifts — from managing children to understanding them.

What behaviour is trying to tell us

Every behaviour has a function. It might be a child telling us they're tired, hungry, overwhelmed, unsure, missing someone, or trying to make sense of something new. It might be about sensory input, transitions, a change at home, or simply not yet having the skills to do what's being asked.

Before we respond, it helps to pause and ask a different question: not "how do I stop this?" but "what is this child trying to communicate?"

Regulation comes before reasoning

A child who is dysregulated — flooded with big feelings — cannot access the part of their brain that reasons, remembers rules or reflects. Talking through behaviour in that moment usually doesn't land. What they need first is a calm, familiar adult to help them feel safe again.

This is often described as co-regulation. We use our own calm to help the child borrow ours. A soft tone, a lower body, slower breathing, fewer words — these small things do more than any consequence chart.

Practical ways to respond in the moment

• Get down to the child's level so they don't feel loomed over.
• Keep your voice quiet and your words short.
• Name the feeling you can see, not the behaviour: "That felt really big."
• Offer a safe base — a hand, a beanbag, a quiet corner — not a punishment.
• Wait until they're calm before you talk about what happened.

Looking beyond the moment

When a behaviour keeps happening, it's worth stepping back as a team. Are there patterns? Certain times of day, certain transitions, certain adults, certain group sizes? Is there something in the environment adding pressure — noise, light, a busy corridor, an overstimulating area?

Small changes to routine, adult deployment or the environment often make a bigger difference than any strategy aimed at the child alone.

Working with parents and carers

Parents know their child. When we approach conversations from curiosity rather than concern-first, we build the trust needed to work together. Share what you see, ask what they notice at home, and agree small, consistent things you'll both try. Avoid loaded language — describe behaviour, not the child.

Looking after ourselves too

Supporting a dysregulated child is emotionally demanding. Our own state matters. If we feel rushed, judged or under-supported, our capacity to co-regulate drops. Regular reflection, honest team conversations and access to appropriate training and supervision are part of what makes this work sustainable.

"When we change the question from 'what's wrong with this child?' to 'what's this child trying to tell me?', we usually start doing something different — and something better."

The takeaway

Behaviour isn't the problem to be solved. It's information. When we slow down, notice what's underneath, and lead with connection before correction, we help children develop the regulation skills that will serve them for the rest of their lives — and we protect our own wellbeing at the same time.